the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
You Might Also Like
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”