Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.