ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
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A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it