9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
You Might Also Like
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
is nasa ok
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241