My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
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Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
It’s an epidemic…
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D