tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
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Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.