Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
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“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
“No way.” -Jose
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
When your man makes a valid point
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.