Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
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My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
This will never not be funny to me.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”