Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
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My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value