If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
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Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Oops I deleted….
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey