YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
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Geez man, take it easy.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Seas the day!!!!
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil