Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
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I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.