*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
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Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight