i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
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If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen