Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
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me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
For cardio I live beyond my means.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.