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She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Home is where your toilet is.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
All set.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong