6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
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Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most