Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
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While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today