COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
You Might Also Like
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Is….Is this an option?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.