Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
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I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’