Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
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*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]