I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
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I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Always the camel, never the toe.
My love language is deader than Latin
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy