Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
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Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
#Caturday
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I feel it
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back