[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
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Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit