I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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Just me and my debit card against the world
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Always
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
You wish you had this many chins.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible