CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
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I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
are there any atheist mantises?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
early stone age tool
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”