The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
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as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
You’ll be OK
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.