“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
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Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Bit chilly again tonight.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.