Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
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[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.