Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
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🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I am also baked goods
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start