When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
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*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]