Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
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Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now