Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
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me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you