5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
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Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.