Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
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If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I am, perchance
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.