Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
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Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass