Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
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[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Breaking news:
This could be us… but you playing
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”