Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
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World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Never mess with a drunken pig.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy