Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
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Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Ain’t no way
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
X-tra spooky blend
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Imma just leave this here…………
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…