Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
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[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.