[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
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Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
idk what this dog had been going through but same
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.