Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
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How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
ok like just. call me at this point
Pandas 🐼🖤
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email