13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Yoga Matt
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?