i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
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[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle