*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
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Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*