Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
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[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
They did not think through this water fountain
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books