“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
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When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.