Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
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[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*