How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
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9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
got so much cardio in today
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it