When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
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ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.